Things That Ruin Movies: #1.

1. Too Much Recognition


Sometimes movies aren't that bad to begin with. It's just that... well...

You get sick of hearing about them. Let's face it. People are sheep, and people in Hollywood are especially notorious for standing by and supporting whatever's popular. I like to call it Bandwagon Syndrome. Come awards season, this onslaught of parrot-like praise makes me less and less inclined to watch as the "underdog" takes their almost guaranteed prize. Sickening!

To help illustrate my point, let's take a look at Slumdog Millionaire. Now, Slumdog Millionaire is a good film. When I first saw it, I even called it great, though I may have been under some other influences at the time (specifically, a burger high from the McDonald's I snuck into the theater). After my initial thoughts, however, I began to look around at all of the films the season had to offer, and it was clear that Slumdog was about average quality for the year.
Then came the Oscar nominations. Yay! Or so I thought. Despite the strong season, people in Hollywood apparently thought Slumdog Millionaire was "Amazing!" 10 Nominations? Bitch pleez.
It wasn't a mistake. It was sensationalism. People were taking Slumdog Millionaire like a drug. And like a drug, all the cool kids had to take it or they wouldn't be cool anymore. As a result, better films got pushed to the side (Wall-E, Doubt, and Milk). Who seriously thought Jai Ho was the best song in any movie for the entire year?! Seriously! And it didn't stop there. Eight Oscars! Eight!!! Without a single acting nod, Slumdog took the award for best picture. It was worse than watching Scorsese take the Oscar for The Departed, the one time he didn't deserve one.
Now I hate that stupid movie. It reeks of pandering.

7 Reasons Why I'm a Tim Burton Character

Damn. I hate to say it's true, but I am. I'm a living, breathing Tim Burton character.

No disrespect to Mr. Burton. I love his films (well, the good ones). I just realized that I happen to be exactly what most of Tim Burton's characters look like. Don't believe me? I'll prove it!

1. I'm pale. Know who else is? For starters, anyone Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter have played in a Burton film (I know, shocking). Also, ANY WHITE PERSON FROM A BURTON FILM! It's true. If there's pigment onscreen during something Tim Burton directed, I guarantee it's not from a white person. Not even his Batman had a real tan. If Tim Burton directed "Jersey Shore" everyone would blend in with the sand, which incidentally is what happens to me at the beach.

2. I am a skinny person. I am a very skinny person. If you have ever seen one of Tim Burton's drawings, my point has already been made.

3. Pinstripes. I love pinstripes. I've got pinstripes on pants, shirts, jackets, bags, hats and, full disclosure, even underwear of mine. Apparently Tim Burton loves them too, since half of his characters are MADE of pinstripes.

4. If you were to look at my face, one thing that would stand right out are my eye circles, which I get from not sleeping a lot, a tradition I've held since I was a wee lad. Now, look at Jack Skellington, or Sweeney Todd, or Helena Bonham Carter. Dark eye circles alllllllllll the time. You saw it!!!

5. SOCIALLY AWKWARD, NEXT POINT

6. Scissorhands. I haven't trimmed my nails in a while. They are getting sharp. No topiaries yet though.

7. I can't sing.

Are you ready to shake your tail fins?

Shoot. I think I forgot to RSVP.

And just 'cuz I wanted to...

Oh, iPhone. You Crazy Girl.

I totally forgot to draw stubble. Oh well. Other than that, and the fact that we haven't yet created head-butt separation software, this is dead accurate.

Food For Thought:

Cabbages

Yessir. Cabbages.

...I wish I knew more about cabbages. What different kinds are there? Who makes them? Is there a candied variety? Why am I writing this?

Why am I writing this?

Joy Ride